Lessons with Sweet Dee
by DacocoBaggins
Summary: in which Dee's attempts to prove Dennis wrong and teach Charlie how to be a ladies man, ends up with a few unexpected results. rated T for some swearing. Charlie/Dee
1. Some Valium, an Offer, and a Bargain

"Dude seriously? I don't understand how he's so bad with women" Dennis chuckled and handed Mac a beer. "I mean how is he not following any of the instructions we've taught him so far? The D.E.N.N.I.S system was flawless, he might be the only person who could possibly mess it up, but really though we've tried everything to teach him how to be better with women and I honestly think he might just be a lost cause."

"I dunno. There could still be potential. I mean I know we've tried everything, but maybe we just aren't the right teachers you know?" Mac argued sipping his beer, "Different perspectives can help you understand the concept more you know? We just need someone with a different kind of experience maybe, someone who understands the opposite sex in a way that we as men do not."

"Guys let me teach him, I've had plenty of experience with woman. I can show him exactly how to woo your way into a woman's heart. Plus I know the best moves. " Frank put on one of his signature grins and sat back down at the bar.

Dee watched all of this with interest. Not quite able to put her finger on the reason behind them wanting to assist Charlie. He was pretty hopeless, and they wouldn't ever help him unless it benefited them in some way, so curiosity bubbled up forcing Dee to inquire why they were so concerned about Charlie and his pathetic affairs with women.

Dennis laughed. "Oh Dee you will never guess what this screw up did this time. I don't understand how he can be so bad at women. I mean it is not that hard."

"Ok don't talk about women like that, as if we are a sport, or some kind of object, it's degrading." Dee argued back. God her brother was such a dick, "you know what I don't even wanna know what Charlie did this time. It probably can't be as bad as any other time he talked to women, why do you guys care all of a sudden anyway?"

"He's hopeless Dee. I mean he can't even say hello to the waitress without screwing up." Mac added in laughing at his friend.

Dee eyed Charlie sitting across the bar his head on the counter, completely silent, he hadn't said anything in a long while and Dee wondered if he was sobbing.

"That poor son of a bitch is never going to get a girl." Dennis remarked taking in the sight of his dejected companion.

"Ok that may be true, but he's not completely hopeless. I mean seriously, he got that one girl remember? The one he screwed over to get with the waitress. How he managed that we will never know, and why on earth she went for him is completely beyond me, but hey he got her. Meaning maybe there is still hope." Dee knew it was useless to stand up for him, but she didn't want to have to deal with a sad mopey Charlie all day.

"That is a good point. He just needs a mentor you know, but I am not paying for a professional there is no way that is happening. All they do is screw you in the ass for money, and I doubt that professionals could help anyways. No… we need someone who can tolerate him, someone who's willing to go through extreme measures to make Charlie Kelly a ladies man." Mac placed a hand under his chin thoughtfully. The rest of the gang thought hard as well.

"Charlie do you have any input in this at all?" Dee shouted across the bar at the sunken man with his head still rested on the counter. He still hadn't moved. That was odd. Dee walked over to him and prodded his shoulder. The only response she got was his limp body turning slightly, his arm falling to his side. "What the hell. Why is he sleeping?"

"Oh yeah. We kinnda gave him some valium. He was crying and acting all hysterical and stuff, so I slipped some in his drink. It was supposed to make him happy, but he just kinnda fell asleep. Which is ok though because at least that got him to shut up." Dennis shrugged, getting back on the topic at hand, acting as if drugging his friend was but a minor setback. "This is an issue; no one's going to be dumb enough to teach Charlie."

"This conversation is getting nowhere. We all know Charlie is a lost cause, can we just move past it. This isn't really a surprise. Charlie's impossible. Can we talk about something else?" Dee was growing tired of the conversation of Charlie, too excited to tell them the news she knew they wouldn't care to hear, but too selfish to care. "Guess who got offered 800 bucks to do a motivational speech at the local theater for all the aspiring actors there. That's right bitches, me." Dee smirked proudly at her own accomplishment.

The trio before her broke out into hysteric laughter, causing Dee's pride to falter immediately. "Does the local theater realize what they are wasting their money on? Bunch of num nuts direct garbage there Dee." Frank announced still not able to contain his laughter.

"Yeah Dee your probably the worst motivator out there, I mean honestly. You're not even an actor, so how did you score that one? You're like the least motivated person; have you read your diary? It's basically a dedication to the pathetic life of a bird who gives up constantly." Dennis sipped his beer mockingly, while Dee fumed.

"You read my journal you dick wad!" couldn't say she wasn't surprised however as she continued regardless, "Whatever. It doesn't matter; you know I got that offer, because I am known for my ways of motivation. I really am an influential person you guys, you're just too dense to see it."

"Oh really? You're motivational? When have you ever accomplished something and actually completed it Dee? When have you ever convinced someone else that they are good at something? In what way are you motivational? Enlighten us please." Dennis crossed his arm in mock expectancy.

Dee clucked her tongue on her teeth, clearly ticked off. She was motivated. She was a motivator. She'd landed that offer hadn't she? That had to mean something. Besides the fact that the only reason she had landed that position was because the theater had a former motivational speaker expected to come, but he had inconveniently died. Dee just happened to be near the theater as some boner was making fun of her, she relented out her thoughts claiming she was a famous actor and shouting reckless things about wanting him to treat her with some respect, and more bullshit Dee thought was susceptible at the time. She hadn't thought it motivational at all, but the theaters main director happened to be around to hear her outburst, asking her about the whole famous actress aspect of her life and what not. Dee even ended up telling him about her awful experience teaching acting classes to the kids at for one of her old teachers, of course leaving out a few bits and pieces, but none the less she was proud to say that at least some of her story was true. The director happened to be so desperate for a speaker to prove the higher authorities of the theater his class of aspiring actors had the power to be motivated; he asked her if she'd be willing to do a speech. At first she had declined, until he offered her money. She didn't even have to sleep with anyone this time. although that director was pretty sexy, he looked her age too, perhaps after the whole speech thing she'd find a way to get him to return the favor for making her go through with this.

"Well?" Mac inquired impatiently, snapping Dee out of her thoughts.

"Well I've accomplished too many things to even think of right now." Dee answered lamely.

"I bet you 50 bucks she chokes." Mac turned to Dennis.

"No way, that's an unfair bet, because that's a given, it's guaranteed to happen regardless. I'm not making that bet. Look Dee, all I'm saying is that you have never ever accomplished anything with your sad life."

"I have so!" Dee shot back.

"Name one thing, just one thing that you completed, and didn't give up on half way through. I can name a lot of things that you tried to accomplish but never actually finished. You just give up on everything."

"Oh like you guys are any better."

"Actually, I've accomplished a lot of things Dee. Project badass, for example, I didn't just give up on it, I actually put a lot of work into that, you know" Mac Stated fondly, obviously proud of his project thus far.

"And Frank has accomplished so many business offers and whatever else Frank accomplishes, that _he _should probably do a motivational speech, as scary, and unforgiving as that sounds. And as for me, well I have many accomplishments under my belt as well, for example the amount of blood sweat and tears I put into in order to relentlessly acquire as many women as possible, is believe it or not something I work very hard for, and never have I given up. Also I did create the D.E.N.N.I.S system which caused me a great amount of effort to do, but you, you are a useless bird who can barely fly."

Dee sunk back in her chair. Trying to think of something she had actually accomplished. Racking her brain, she realized maybe Dennis had a point. Everything she did she would go into with full intent, and force, but halfway through she would deem it unworthy of her time and just give up.

"Oh my god, I have an idea!" Mac shouted practically jumping out of his chair. "Dee you could totally teach Charlie. This is perfect, ok hear me out. This is brilliant, if you teach Charlie it'll totally help you practice your little motivational thing, and, it'll prove to Dennis that he's wrong, and you can actually say you've accomplished something."

"I'm never wrong" Dennis huffed. He never ever was. He refused to be proven otherwise.

"No! Absolutely not! I am not doing that. Do you know how much work that is? Absolutely not, no way in hell. Can't you just give me a puppy and let me take care of it till it dies, that's an accomplishment. Teaching Charlie how to pick up chicks, guys that's the most impossible task ever." Dee whined, not liking this idea in the slightest.

"We'll make a wager" Frank but in. "Dee if you manage to teach Charlie, without giving up, I'll pay you 100$ and I'll buy you something you want, and Dennis, Mac and I won't insult you in any way for a whole week."

"You really think I'm gonna believe that? That's not gonna happen and we all know it."

"I'll make 'em sign a contract." Frank put in.

Dee contemplated the deal. 100$ did sound good. And she did need a new purse . . . and no insults. That would be nice. She was about to shake Franks hand before she realized the other side of a bargain. "Ok and what if I lose and give up?"

"Then that proves Dennis is wrong, and . . . . If you lose we get to send your diary off in the mail to Ryan Gosling." Mac smirked, at his idea.

"That's not fair that's blackmailing. You know what no. if I win I also want Dennis to say he was wrong in writing, also I want you guys to wash my car for a month"

"Whoa, whoa if you're gonna add stuff we gotta add stuff too. If you lose you gotta do our laundry for a month, and do Charlie work for a week, and in writing say that I was right." Dennis retorted smugly.

The stakes were high, and Dee knew she would regret this with every fibre of her being, but she did so bask in the idea of Dennis admitting he was wrong, as she shook Franks hand.

**A/N: so sorry if the 1****st**** chapter was too long. The next ones hopefully won't be that long :P unless this is a perfect length? I dunno. Also the whole offer thing, I just wasn't sure where exactly in Philly the gang is located so I wasn't sure what school to use so I just put in there Dee was offered by the local theatre. Hope that suffices. Either way it gets the point across. Uhm . . . yeah my grammar some days is a little shot, so if you guys see anything please please don't hesitate to tell me, I will fix it. And um hopefully I'll be able to update again soon, I'll try my best. Oh and as far as what Charlie did exactly, I'll leave that up to you guys and your imagination. Also I rated this story a T, but there are some swears, so if that bothers anyone I'll change it to M. Might change it in later chapters as well but for now that's what it will be. :P **


	2. a clipboard, 12 days, 12 lessons

Dee walked into the bar that evening and as per usual she grabbed herself a beer and sat down. Dennis and Mac were the only ones there. "Where are Frank and Charlie?"

"Oh, well Charlie was still a little bummed about yesterday, and kinnda cranky that we drugged him, and he was getting pretty annoying, so Frank took him and they went somewhere in a sewer. . . I'm not sure, either way they're gone and we need to get down to business" Mac tapped the table interrupting Dennis who was scribbling on a piece of paper furiously.

"I'm not done Mac." Dennis yelled in frustration going back to his writings.

"What's this? What's he writing?" Dee asked curious.

"Oh, well he's writing down a lesson plan for you. Yup. We asked around and got a bunch of lesson ideas from a shit ton of people on how to get girls, and so Dennis is creating a lesson plan for you. There's like I dunno, 12 lessons on there or something, all actually very good lessons, and the idea is that you have to execute every single one of these lessons in 12 days. Most of it was Frank's idea actually. So you know, one day per lesson. That way, since your little motivational thing or whatever is in 2 weeks, you'll be done in 2 weeks, and you'll be fully prepared for your thing. And Charlie will be fully prepared to start picking up chicks. These lessons however can only be taught and constructed by a woman." Mac put in with as much seriousness as possible, explaining the situation at hand, emphasizing how important Dee's role was.

"No this is the dumbest thing. 12 days? I thought it would just be like one day where I try to teach him, and realize he's hopeless and then boom, 100$ and a new purse."

"That's not how it works, Frank made up an official contract and shit you gotta go through with it."

Dee rolled her eyes. This was not going the way she had hoped. "And how will you know if I complete these or not? For all you know I could tell you and you not know, because honestly I don't think any amount of me teaching Charlie will be able to physically show any signs of improvement."

Dennis looked up suddenly. " No Dee you can't bullshit your way through this one. Nope, because as your higher authority, I will be marking your progress. I have a thing here and you have to grade Charlie on his progress and write down exactly what is improving and what isn't. and in case you even thought about bullshitting your way through that, which I fully expect that you will, Charlie will tell us the truth, and you will loose if you skip out on a lesson. And Dee? We do have eyes. everywhere. Frank has his ways, and if you skip out on a lesson, we will be notified, you can be darn sure of that" Dennis threatened.

"That's messed up." Dee wasn't sure how she felt about some creepy guys watching her try to teach Charlie; she somehow did not see it ending pleasantly.

"Whatever Dee, it's for your own good." Dennis sighed, gathering the papers and putting them neatly in a clipboard which he began to hand to her. "Now I've made a very well organized schedule for you and our disgusting friend. Now each lesson is going to be at least 1 hour, if not more, sometimes It depends on the lesson, but here are the 12 lessons, all in order of how you will teach them, now you have 12 days to complete this list starting tomorrow, and hopefully by then end of it, there will be a test, and if Charlie passes it then you win, and if he fails, then you loose, me and Mac will make up the test accordingly, so make sure Charlie knows each and every lesson fully. "

"Hey! Hey whoa, that was not part of the deal whatsoever, you know Charlie isn't going to pass any sort of test regardless of what I do! You know damn well Dennis, the deal was I just had to teach him. As long as I get through that then I win right?" Dee was outraged that they kept changing the rules.

"Don't worry though, we've set the standards pretty low, if he gets at least a 35% he passes, and it won't be entirely difficult to get a 35, but still be prepared for anything."

"This is such bullshit!" Dee argued.

"No it's not it's genius."

"Why can't I make up the lessons? You guys said so yourselves that you weren't good enough to teach him, shouldn't I be making lessons?"

"No. No see me and Mac made a list of the lessons we simply cannot teach, but you, you can. So we are the masterminds behind the situation, and you are the undertaker."

Dee looked at the list scoffing. The lessons all laid out in front of her. She didn't like any of these lesson tittles whatsoever. "How am I supposed to teach Charlie this one?"

"Ah, well not out problem, we just gave you a list, now you make the plans, you can start tomorrow tonight. We made arrangements with Frank, and such, so Charlie will be sleeping at your apartment for the next 12 days, and Mac, Frank and I will be executing a little lesson of our own involving much different affairs then yours so, have fun with those, we might check in occasionally. Probably not, unless there are any complications, issues or . . . rule breaking of any sorts which I can guarantee we will know about so. . . watch your back Dee."

With that Mac and Dennis grabbed a handful of other papers and left the bar, leaving Dee to sulk by herself at the bar. She looked at the list, and for a moment felt like tearing it up in frustration, but instead she just lowered her head onto the clipboard and laid there hopeless, and trying not to think about the next excruciating 12 days to come.

**A/N k so this chapter is definitely shorter, but it's just kind of an intro into the lessons and set up for what is yet to come. Next chapter will be lesson one! :D the next 12 chapters I can guarantee be much longer than this one, hopefully not too long, but I got a lot of ideas for this fic, so we'll see where it goes. Anyways ill update when I can. **


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